Am i doomed to die for disobeying or will God give me a second chance? I reaching a point or may be have arrived at a stage that I began to ask,”WHO AM I”, “WHAT AM I ON EARTH FOR”… it is as though I need to go back and relearn Christian faith and who God is.

Can I just say honestly that it is pastor who does not want me and not becos I do not want to enter. What should I say? or think? God I am saying all these to you and you know how I feel. I ask that you will take pity of me, your unworthy follower and help me out here. Let me see light to my future. You have never fail to show me light and I will wait.

I going to start fasting tmr. From 7am to 7pm and I will try my very best to abstain from T.V and food.

My verse from Lord for this year is I Love you with an everlasting love. Lord, I have faith in you.

Trust and Obey, there is no other way. Forgive me if I did not obey.

• Do not fret but trust in the Lord
• That person owe you nothing instead I owe him debt of love
• If another person demands from you one mile, give him 2 miles instead.

This is God’s economy. Hard to swallow but once swallowed, it works mavellously for the soul. Be it unto me according to your word.

Psalm 37:7 – 11

Be still before the LORD
   and wait patiently for him;
do not fret when people succeed in their ways,
   when they carry out their wicked schemes.

 ⁸ Refrain from anger and turn from wrath;
   do not fret—it leads only to evil.
⁹ For those who are evil will be destroyed,
   but those who hope in the LORD will inherit the land.

 ¹⁰ A little while, and the wicked will be no more;
   though you look for them, they will not be found.
¹¹ But the meek will inherit the land
   and enjoy peace and prosperity.

Romans 13:8

Let no debt remains outstanding except the continuing debt to love one another, for he who loves his fellowman has fulfilled the law.

Matthew 5:41-42

⁴¹ If anyone forces you to go one mile, go with them two miles. ⁴² Give to the one who asks you, and do not turn away from the one who wants to borrow from you.

Was sharing with the prayer team that I have been feeling quite discouraged and despondent towards cell ministry in youth. The whole process has been quite trying and I am fearful that I may become bitter and hardened towards people and ministry. Told them that despite the temptation is to give in and let go but I know that this is what I should not do. The spirit is constantly in battle with the fleshly desires. P prayed with me through Psalms 40 and it has greatly encouraged me. It also remind me that I need to follow what He has commanded and not fix on men’s feedback and responds.

Psalm 40

For the director of music. Of David. A psalm.

 ¹ I waited patiently for the LORD;
       he turned to me and heard my cry.

² He lifted me out of the slimy pit,
       out of the mud and mire;
       he set my feet on a rock
       and gave me a firm place to stand.

O Lord, you will definitely lift me up from the mud and mire. You will set my feet on rock and I will not fall nor slip. Rock = Jesus and my identity is on you and in you

 ³ He put a new song in my mouth,
       a hymn of praise to our God. 

Truly, put a new song in me. Let me never stop praising you.
    

   Many will see and fear
       and put their trust in the LORD.

 ⁴ Blessed is the man
       who makes the LORD his trust,
       who does not look to the proud,
       to those who turn aside to false gods. 

 ⁵ Many, O LORD my God,
       are the wonders you have done.
       The things you planned for us
       no one can recount to you;
       were I to speak and tell of them,
       they would be too many to declare.

 ⁶ Sacrifice and offering you did not desire,
       but my ears you have pierced  ;
       burnt offerings and sin offerings
       you did not require.

 ⁷ Then I said, “Here I am, I have come—
       it is written about me in the scroll. 

 ⁸ I desire to do your will, O my God;
       your law is within my heart.”

 ⁹ I proclaim righteousness in the great assembly;
       I do not seal my lips,
       as you know, O LORD.

 ¹⁰ I do not hide your righteousness in my heart;
       I speak of your faithfulness and salvation.
       I do not conceal your love and your truth
       from the great assembly.

Lord, are you reminding me to continue to speak of your truth and always be a reflection of Your Love for your people? Grant me strength and perseverance that I will not cease to do your works.

 ¹¹ Do not withhold your mercy from me, O LORD;
       may your love and your truth always protect me.

 ¹² For troubles without number surround me;
       my sins have overtaken me, and I cannot see.
       They are more than the hairs of my head, 
       and my heart fails within me.

David must have felt like me before. He must also tried but he could not find strength from within.

 ¹³ Be pleased, O LORD, to save me;
       O LORD, come quickly to help me.

 ¹⁴ May all who seek to take my life
       be put to shame and confusion;
       may all who desire my ruin
       be turned back in disgrace.

 ¹⁵ May those who say to me, “Aha! Aha!”
       be appalled at their own shame.

You have always been my vindicator and never fail me. You are my righteousness. Let me not stray away from you.

 ¹⁶ But may all who seek you
       rejoice and be glad in you;
       may those who love your salvation always say,
       “The LORD be exalted!”

 ¹⁷ Yet I am poor and needy;
       may the Lord think of me.
       You are my help and my deliverer;
       O my God, do not delay.

Yes, Lord! You are my help and deliverer in my times of needs. I want to see your Hand that protects me.

AMEN

 or the LORD will see and disapprove
       and turn his wrath away from him.

Proverbs 24:17-18

This is a reminder. Be careful about laughing at your enemies. The bible tells us that he will disapprove if we gloat. It is interesting to know that God vindicates us, yet He does not allow us to laugh at our enemy. This shows me that I am worshipping a God who is just, yet merciful. Being our Father, He  teaches us to be like him too.

It is very easy to get back when your husband or family take advantage of you..(or maybe not all family members)

What about when those whom are your friends or your youth? Recently someting happens and I feel like that. I do not want to be taken for granted. I don’t think they make use of me. But take for granted and not appreciating. Yes. I do feel like that. The thing is that they may not actually know  this is how I am feeling.

I thought of Jesus. Surely he has felt like that too when he was doing his ministry on earth. He came to heal, made the lame to walk and made the blind to see. He delievered people from captivity and snare of sins. He gives living water. Yet what they did back to him was ungrateful.  They exchanged Him for another sinner and crucified him. They spit at him and challenged his authority. Surely he will feel 10000 times more unappreciated than me… Yet graciously he said, ” Forgive them, Father, for they know what they are doing…”

Yet here am I comfortably sitting on my sofa in my air-conditioned TV room, feeling sorry for myself — for not being invited to a junior cell outing. WHAT IS THE PROBLEM with me!!! I think it links to my personal value and worth. Jesus knew His destiny and purpose. He knows what is He called to do.

O Lord, widen my heart that I will not hold such a matter in my heart. Help me to let go like Jesus did.  Remind me of my purpose and identity. My identity is in Christ Jesus.

Hmm not too bad. I am one who cannot lie to myself. Hence usually if this is not the best way despite it is easy, I will not take. Then again, recently, I kinda of steering towards an easier way out, when I am faced with relationship issues. O lord, tame my wilful heart.

The above was extracted from my previous blog on 20.10.2010

This is something that have been on my mind recently. There is this friendship that I appreciated very much. The complexity that come along with this friendship is that I am also a youth leader of that person. Think she is very reisistant towards me recently which I find that it is not surprising. She has been undergoing many stresses herself too. And I think the last she wants is for someone to tell her what to do or tell her off. Think that is the problem with me too.

Always let my thoughts come out before going through the Filter-” should I say it now?” Think this filter of mine is not often used. I think bible speaks very well about this:-

If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal.

 1 Corinthians 13:1

This verse reminds me that I have to  love first before trying to tell others what to do. No point in saying out of my “know-all” attitude. Must Love First.

“Everyone should be quick to listen and slow to speak and slow to become angry, for man’s anger does not bring about the righteous life that God desires.” – James 1: 19

This is the key verse in every conversation and email (Let me emphasize again – EMAIL) Recently, I have been quite quick in replying on email.. Oh no!! Esp when I am angry. Then honestly after that, I will be angry with myself and start to think- what will the other party think? Then I will start to regret. Began to saw this pattern in my life.

 A fool’s talk brings a rod to his back, but the lips of the wise protect them.

Pro 14:3

My words, once it said at the wrong times, it’s really like a rod to my back. It become uncomfortable.

Then again. I am also reminded that by telling mysef to be careful, it does not mean that I do not speak at all . Rebuking in love is never easy thing to do but to be able to rebuke in love and has an effect on the other party is even more extraordinary. I am also reminded that how you have placed words in the mouth of Jeremiah, Isaiah and many prophets but how hard are the hearings of those who choose to turn their back against you. I think our duty is still to speak the truth. Yet I ask that may I learn to speak with gentleness and love.

I need your wisdom, O Lord. 

These are the resolutions that I have set nearly a year ago (set on November 2009)

Was apprehensive to review cos I do not know whether have I done a good job abt keeping it or totally flunk it.

Let me see:

Always think best of others

Not really ba. Partly I think I can be quite discerning (this is different from judgement) hence sometimes I do point out certin things quite accurately. Then again, discerning aside,( to be honest) I do not always think best of people, esp people whom I am biased against. Oh no, this is bad.

Refuse to speak evil or be party to gossip

Did I improve? I think I did but then again, I am not too sure.

Refuse to retaliate when wronged

I think I did well in this compartment. At least improved. Cos I believe God will vindicate me in due time

Refuse to hold grudges

Aiyah. Think regarding this I am getting from bad to worse. Has become more and more petty. O Lord, grant me a generous heart.

Refuse comparison

Very hard to control this. Come naturally. I am so sinful.

Refuse to take easy path

Hmm not too bad. I am one who cannot lie to myself. Hence usually if this is not the best way despite it is easy, I will not take. Then again, recently, I kinda of steering towards an easier way out, when I am faced with relationship issues. O lord, tame my wilful heart.

Refuse to partake in striving for power

Did not strive for power. I think for this, I can be quite certain. Then again, must be watchful.

Refuse to be performance oriented

I am not a performance oriented person. I am more focus on the means than ends. It is important if I have tried my best.

Refuse to live on past success.

Do i? I think I do but not very much..more like based on my past experiences. Began to realise that past experiences may not actually be accurate. Think I getting older and I mustnot be like some older uncles and aunties that do not ramble on non-stop abt my past experiences.

Darn – think I have to continue to keep these resolutions

I should have control my temper and not lost my patience with you. I am so sorry. If I could start all over again, I will hold my tongue and not be harsh with you. You just need someone to talk to but instead I just want to make my opinion known. I am so sorry. This is my weakness and to say it is a weakness – it is too merciful to me. I hope I can make up to you in some ways. 

God, help me to overcome my weaknesses. Give me wisdom and understanding towards Bee’s condition that I will know what to say and react towards sharing. Help me, O Lord. I ask for your forgiveness for my rashness. Please help me to keep my friends and not turn anyone away because of what I say.

Of course we need to love one another. There is no choice in this as it is a command but there is a choice when we begin to question the Lordship of Christ.

A new commandment I give you. Love one another. As I have love you, so you must love one another.By this, all men will know you are my disciples , if you love one another – John 13:34-35.

Sometimes, it was so tempting to just run away and ignore all things.  I am temped many, many times. I think the scary part is not being phyically away but the hardening of the heart. I am wary of that. Was always reminded by Proverbs 4:23 – Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life.

Lord, you knw my heart and how prompt I am to walk away from your truth and indulge in what my sinful heart desires. Continue to reveal to me your truth –that  the sins and deceits of my heart will be uncover and I will turn away, to follow you.

Cynicism. It is like cancer to the human soul. It is especially deadly when it infects an organization.

As I look at others and they start talking about pastor and church management. I know that God has helped me to overcome the cynicism in my heart. I do not know how but I believe He is the One that help to heal the cynicism in my heart. I am glad that I can say – pray for them. Don’t talk about them. The only one that can say such is people who are healed. I am healed! Praise God!

Proverbs 4:23-27

 Above all else, guard your heart,
       for it is the wellspring of life.

 ²⁴ Put away perversity from your mouth;
       keep corrupt talk far from your lips.

 ²⁵ Let your eyes look straight ahead,
       fix your gaze directly before you.

 ²⁶ Make level paths for your feet
       and take only ways that are firm.

 ²⁷ Do not swerve to the right or the left;
       keep your foot from evil.

http://clashpoint.org/2010/02/confessions-of-a-cynic-at-heart/#

Lord, help me to help others not to be cynical.